Austin Powers is a 60's spy who is cryonically frozen and released in the 1990's. The world is a very different place for Powers. Unfortunately for Austin, everyone is no longer sex-mad. Although he may be in a different decade, his mission is still the same. He has teamed up with Vanessa Kensington to stop the evil Dr. Evil, who was also frozen in the past. Dr. Evil stole a nuclear weapon and is demanding a payment of (when he realises its the 90's) 100 billion dollars. Can Austin Powers stop this madman? or will he caught up with Evil's henchman, with names like Alotta fa*gina and Random Task? Only time will tell!
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Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to my underground lair.
I have gathered here
before me...
the world's
deadliest assassins...
and yet each of you has failed
to kill Austin Powers.
That makes me angry,
and when Dr. Evil gets angry...
Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset.
And when Mr. Bigglesworth
gets upset...
people die!
Why must I be surrounded
by frickin' idiots?
Mustafa, Frau Farbissina...
I spared your lives
because I need you...
to help me rid the world
of Britain's top secret agent...
the only man
who can stop me now.
We must kill Austin Powers!
Yeah!
Come on, babies.
Work with me, people, all right?
Show me love.
Great, baby! Yeah!
Oh, behave.
It's Austin Powers!
It's Austin Powers!
Hello, Mrs. Kensington.
Hello, Austin.
Why don't you ever model
for me, Mrs. Kensington?
You know how Mr. Kensington
feels about that.
Oh, behave.
Yeah.
Yeah, baby! Yeah!
Hello Austin.
I'm Basil Exposition
with British Intelligence.
We have just received
word that Dr. Evil...
is planning a trap for you
tonight...
at the Electric Psychedelic
puss*cat Swinger's Club...
here in swinging London.
We'll be there.
There you go. Come on, baby.
Yeah! Yeah!
Austin, it's a swinging shindig.
It's my happening, baby,
and it freaks me out!
Yeah, man!
Can I get you a drink, Mr. Powers?
Sure!
Austin, we've got to look for Dr. Evil.
Wait.
I've got an idea.
Austin! Why on earth
did you hit that woman?
Right. Let me show you, baby.
That ain't no woman.
It's a man, man.
It's one of Dr. Evil's assassins.
Look out! He's got a knife!
Good work, Mrs. Kensington.
Alright. Get up!
Get up!
Right. Where's Dr. Evil?
Where is he?
There's the bastard.
Come on. Let's go.
Coming through.
Excuse me!
I've got you now, Dr. Evil.
Not this time.
Come, Mr. Bigglesworth!
See you in the future,
Mr. Powers.
My God! He's freezing himself.
And so Dr. Evil escaped...
and had himself
cryogenically frozen...
to return at a time when free
love no longer reigned...
and greed and corruption
ruled again.
Yes?
Commander Gilmour?
Speaking.
Commander, this is Ritter in
Sou-west Com Three.
We have a potential bogey
with erratic vectoring...
and an unorthodox entry angle.
What are you saying, son?
Well, it appears to be
in the shape of a Big Boy.
Good God. He's back.
Well, in many ways,
the Big Boy never left, sir.
He's always offered
the same high-quality meals...
at competitive prices.
Shut up.
Shall I scramble Tac HQ
for an intercept?
What's its current position?
I'm presently tracking it
over Nevada.
Oh, my God! The Big Boy's gone.
Listen, son...
I want you to forget
what you saw here today.
Phillips?
Call the President.
Prepare the jet,
bring my overnight bag...
and... Phillips, feed my fish.
Not too much.
I'm off to London, England.
Powers volunteered
to have himself frozen...
in case Dr. Evil
should ever return.
Well, I hope your boy's up to it.
We don't want to have to bail
you guys out again like after WW II.
This is our celebrity vault.
Please.
So, who is this Austin Powers?
The ultimate gentleman spy.
Irresistible to women...
deadly to his enemies,
a legend in his own time.
Attention. Stage one:
laser cutting beginning.
Laser cutting complete.
Stage two: warm liquid
goo phase beginning.
Warm liquid goo phase complete.
Stage three:
reanimation beginning.
Reanimation complete.
Stage four:
cleansing beginning.
Cleansing complete.
Stage five:
evacuation beginning.
Evacuation comp...
Evacuation comp...
comp...
comp...
Evacuation comp...
Whe... Where am I?
You're in the Ministry of Defense.
It's 1997.
You've been cryogenically
frozen for 30 years.
Who are these people?
The shouting is a
temporary side effect...
of the unfreezing process.
Yes. I'm having
difficulty controlling...
the volume of my voice!
This is Commander Gilmour,
U.S. Strategic Command...
and General Borschevsky,
Russian Intelligence.
Russian Intelligence?
Are you mad?
A lot's happened
since you were frozen.
The cold war's over.
Well, finally, those capitalist pigs
will pay for their crimes, eh?
Eh, comrades, eh?
Austin, we won.
Oh. Groovy. Smashing.
Yay, capitalism.
Hello. Hello.
Mr. Powers,
the president's quite concerned.
We've got a madman
on the loose in Nevada.
Dr. Evil.
When do I begin?
Immediately.
You'll be working
with Miss Kensington.
Mrs. Kensington!
Austin, Mrs. Kensington
has long since retired.
Miss Kensington is her daughter.
Ah, here she is.
Vanessa is one
of our top agents.
My God, Vanessa's
got a fabulous body...
and I bet she shags like a minx.
How do I tell them that because
of the unfreezing process...
I have no inner monologue?
I hope I didn't say that
out loud just now.
Mr. Powers, my job is to
acclimatize you to the nineties.
You know, a lot's changed since 1967.
No doubt, luv,
but as long as people...
are still having promiscuous sex
with many anonymous partners...
without protection...
while at the same time experimenting
with mind-expanding drugs...
in a consequence-free
environment...
I'll be sound as a pound.
Well, erm... Agent Kensington
will get you all set up.
She's extremely dedicated.
So, Austin, good luck.
The world's depending on you.
Thanks, Exposition.
Oh and, Austin...
Yes?
Be careful!
Thanks.
Danger Powers' personal effects.
Actually, my name
is Austin Powers.
It says here Name:
"Danger Powers"
No, no, no, no, no.
Danger's my middle name.
Okay. Austin Danger Powers
One blue crushed velvet suit...
Oh hey, all right.
One frilly lace cravat...
There it is.
One silver medallion
with male symbol...
- One pair of Italian boots...
- Buon giorno, boys.
One vinyl record album...
- Burt Bacharach plays his hits...
- Hey Burt! Hey. Yeah.
One Swedish-made
penis enlarger pump...
That's not mine.
One credit card receipt for
Swedish-made penis enlarger...
signed by Austin Powers.
I'm telling you, baby,
that's not mine.
One warranty card for Swedish-made
penis enlarger pump...
filled out by Austin Powers.
I don't even know what this is. This
sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.
One book: Swedish-made
Penis Enlarger Pumps And Me...
This sort of thing
is my bag, baby...
by Austin Powers.
Just sign the form.
Okay. Don't get heavy, man.
I'll sign it, just to get
things moving, you know.
You're all right, baby?
Listen, Mr. Powers.
I look forward
to working with you but...
do me a favor and
stop calling me baby.
You can address me as...
Agent Kensington.
Oh, come on.
All right, then... Vanessa.
Was that so hard?
Now, come along.
We have to leave immediately.
We preserved your private jet
just as you left it.
It's waiting
at Heathrow Airport.
My jumbo jet! Smashing, baby!
Oops! Sorry.
Mister Powers.
Quickly.
Quickly. Come on, lad. Let's go.
Gentlemen, welcome
to my underground lair.
It's been 30 years,
but I'm back.
Everything's gone perfectly
to plan...
except for one small flaw...
Due to a technical error
by my henchman Mustafa...
complications arose
in the unfreezing process.
But my design was perfect.
Look what you did
to Mr. Bigglesworth!
But, Dr. Evil, we were
unable to anticipate
feline complications to
the reanimation process...
Silence!
Let this be a
reminder to you all...
that this organization
will not tolerate failure.
Gentlemen, let's
get down to business.
We've got a lot of work to do.
Somebody help me!
I'm still alive, only
I'm very badly burned.
Some of you I know...
some of you I'm meeting
for the first time.
Hello up there! Anyone!
Could someone call an ambulance?
I'm in quite a lot of pain.
Okay. You've all been gathered
here to form my evil cabinet.
Excuse me.
Yes. He's down there.
No, not dead.
Burned. Badly.
Yes.
Right.
If somebody could open
the retrieval hatch down here...
I could get out.
See, I designed this device myself...
Good. I'm glad
you found me. Listen...
I'm very badly burned,
so if you could just...
You shot me!
Okay. Moving on...
You shot me right
in the arm! Why did...
Right. Let me go around the table
and introduce everyone.
Frau Farbissina,
founder of the militant wing
of the Salvation Army.
Random Task, Korean ex-wrestler,
evil handyman extraordinaire.
Random Task, show
them what you do.
Patty O'Brien, ex-Irish assassin.
His trademark,
a superstitious man...
he leaves a tiny keepsake
from his good luck bracelet...
on every victim he kills.
Scotland Yard would love to get their
hands on that piece of evidence.
Yeah. They're always
after me lucky charms.
What? Why does everyone always
laugh when I say that?
They are after me lucky charms!
What?
It's a television commercial...
with this cartoon leprechaun...
and all of these children
are trying to chase him...
"Hey, leprechaun man!
Leprechaun man!"
"Won't you give
your Lucky Charms?"
Oh. And there's all these little
tiny bits of marshmallows...
just stuck right in the cereal...
so that when the kids
eat them, they think...
"Oh, this is candy.
I'm having fun!"
Finally, we come to my
number-two man. His name...
Number Two.
For 30 years, Number
Two has run Virtucon...
the legitimate face
of my evil empire.
Dr. Evil,
over the last 30 years...
Virtucon has grown
by leaps and bounds.
About 15 years ago, we changed
from volatile chemicals...
to the communications industry.
We own cable companies
in 38 states.
We own a steel mill
in Cleveland...
shipping in Texas,
oil refineries in Seattle...
and a factory in Chicago...
that makes miniature
models of factories.
Naturally.
Gentlemen...
I have a plan.
It's called blackmail.
As you know, the royal
family of Britain...
are the wealthiest
landowners in the world.
Either the royal family pays us
an exorbitant amount of money...
or we make it seem
that Prince Charles...
has had an affair outside of marriage
and therefore, would have to divorce.
Prince Charles did have an affair...
he admitted it, and
they are now divorced.
Right. Okay, people, you have to
tell me these things, all right?
I've been frozen for 30 years. Okay?
Throw me a frickin' bone here.
I'm the boss. Need the info.
Okay. No problem.
Here's my second plan.
Back in the sixties, I developed
a weather-changing machine...
which was in essence a sophisticated
heat beam which we called a "laser".
Using these "lasers",
we punch a hole...
in the protective layer
around the world...
which we call the "ozone layer".
Slowly but surely, ultraviolet
rays would pour in...
increasing the risk of skin
cancer. That is...
...unless...
...the world
pays us a hefty ransom.
That also already has happened.
sh*t.
Oh, hell, let's just do
what we always do:
hijack some nuclear weapons
and hold the world hostage.
Good. Gentlemen, it's
come to my attention
that a breakaway Russian republic,
Kreplachistan...
is about to transfer
a nuclear warhead...
to the United Nations
in a few days.
Here's the plan.
We get the warhead and we
hold the world ransom for...
one million dollars!
Don't you think we should maybe ask
for more than a million dollars?
A million dollars isn't exactly
a lot of money these days.
Virtucon alone makes
over $9 billion a year.
Really?
That's a lot more.
OK, then.
We hold the world ransom for...
one hundred billion dollars!
Pretty groovy jumbo jet, eh?
When you see this jet a-rockin' don't
come a-knockin', baby! Yeah.
I'm going to need you to sign
these release forms.
Release forms?
Oh, yes. You're not officially
working for Ministry of Defense...
and these forms indemnify
the ministry against...
any mishaps that may occur
in the line of duty.
Mishaps?
But isn't that what being
an international man
of mystery's all about?
Okay. Name: Austin... Danger Powers.
Sex: Yes, please!
How does a hot chick like you end up
working at the Ministry of Defense?
Well, I went to Oxford...
where I excelled
in several subjects...
but I ended up specializing
in foreign languages.
Now, I really wanted to travel.
You know,
sort of see the world?
That's fascinating, Vanessa.
Listen, why don't we go
in the back and shag?
What?
I've been frozen for 30 years.
I've gotta see if my bits
and pieces are still working.
Excuse me?
My wedding tackle.
I'm sorry, I...
My meat and two veg,
my twig and berries.
- Hello, lads, you still awake? Hello?
- Mr. Powers! Mr. Powers, please.
I'd appreciate it if you could
concentrate on our mission and...
give your libido a rest.
Can I...
Can I show you something?
I won't bite...
hard.
All right.
Let me ask you a question,
and be honest.
Do I make you horny?
Randy?
Do I make you horny,
baby? Yeah! Do I?
God!
I hope this is part
of the unfreezing process.
We're experiencing a bit of turbulence!
Oh, turbulence!
We would like to ask you to fasten
Oh, look at that! Oh, turbulence!
Your seat-belts. Seat-belts fasten.
Oh, I've gone over!
Oh, I fell over again!
Mister Powers!
I will never have
sex with you, ever!
If you were the last man on Earth and
I was the last woman on Earth...
and the future
of the human race...
depended on our having sex
simply for procreation...
I still would not
have sex with you.
What's your point, Vanessa?
Yeah!
Remember when we froze
your sem*n?
You said if it didn't look
like you were coming back...
we should try to make you a son...
so that a part of
you could live forever.
Oh, sure.
Well, after a couple of years,
we got a little impatient.
Dr. Evil, I want
you to meet your son.
My son?
Ya.
Scott!
Hello, Scott.
Hi.
I'm your father.
Dr. Evil.
I haven't seen you
my whole life...
and... and now you come back
and just expect a relationship?
I hate you.
What?
Could I have a hug?
No.
- Give me a hug.
- No way.
- Come here!
- I'm not coming over there.
- Let's go.
- Forget it.
- Pronto.
- What are you doing?
I'm with it. I'm hip.
Don't look at me
like I'm frickin' Frankenstein.
Give your father a hug.
- You're... Hey, don't touch me!
- Hug! Hug! Hug!
Hug...
Get away from me,
you lazy-eyed psycho!
Viva Las Vegas, baby! Yeah!
Wow! Ooh! Yeah!
Welcome to Las Vegas, sir.
So, which side of the
bed do you want?
You're sleeping on the sofa,
Mr. Powers.
In fact, I'd like to take this
opportunity to remind you...
that the only reason
we're sharing a room...
is to keep up the context that we're
a married couple on vacation.
Right. Shall we shag now,
or shall we shag later?
How do you like to do it?
Do you like to wash up first...
you know, top and tails,
whor*'s bath?
Personally, before I'm on the job,
I like to give my undercarriage...
a bit of a how's-your-father.
I'm just joking, Vanessa. I'm just
trying to get a rise out of you...
that's all, for sh*ts and giggles.
Let's unpack.
Oh, blimey!
Nerd alert!
How did this get in here?
Somebody's
playing a prank on me.
Honestly, it's not mine.
Hey, Americans! Yeah!
Enjoy that wine.
Hey, there you are.
Hi! Do I know you?
No, but that's where you are.
You're there.
Hey! Viva Las Vegas, baby. Hey!
- Okay, Austin.
- Yes?
Austin, there's a company
in Las Vegas called Virtucon...
which we think may be
linked to Dr. Evil.
Plenty of Virtucon executives
are gambling in this casino.
Smashing. Let's go.
Look. There's one over there.
Changing a thousand.
Hello. Excuse me.
Do you mind if I join you?
Not at all.
The game is blackjack,
gentlemen.
Ten thousand dollars
minimum bet.
King for you, sir,
and a three for you.
Seventeen?
Hit me.
You have 17, sir.
I like to live dangerously.
Four. Twenty-one.
Five.
I'll stay.
I suggest you hit, sir.
I also like to live dangerously.
As you wish, sir.
Twenty beats your five.
I'm sorry, sir.
Well, I won't lie to you.
Cards are not my bag, baby.
Allow myself to introduce...
myself.
My name is Richie Cunningham,
and this is my wife Oprah.
My name is Number Two.
This is my Italian
confidential secretary.
Her name is Alotta...
Alotta fa*gina.
Come again?
Alotta fa*gina.
Ah, sorry, I'm just not getting it.
It sounded like you said
your name was a lot of...
Never mind.
What exactly do you do,
Mr. Number Two?
That's my business.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have
to go to the little boys' room.
You keep your eye
on the Italian bird.
We'll rendezvous
back at the hotel suite.
You didn't happen to see...
anything at all?
Sorry.
Howdy.
That is one crazy getup
you got there, fella.
Oh, thank you.
Are you in the show?
Ah, no, actually, I'm English.
Ooh, I'm sorry.
Right.
Hey, partner?
Have a good one.
Okay.
Hey, partner, come on, you
gotta relax. Don't force it.
Gonna blow out your o-ring,
drop a lung.
Who does Number Two work for?
Who does Number Two work for?
That's right, buddy.
You show that turd who's boss.
Hey! Hey, just grab
ahold of something,
bite your lip,
and give it hell. Come on!
We're gonna get through this.
Hey, that sounds pretty nasty. How
about a courtesy flush over there?
Jesus Christ, boy.
What did you eat?
Gentlemen...
the warhead is ours.
Patch me through to the United Nations
security secret meeting room.
Gentlemen, my name is Dr. Evil.
In a little while you'll notice
that the Kreplachistani
warhead has gone missing.
If you want it back, you're
going to have to pay me...
One million dollars!
Sorry.
One hundred billion dollars.
Gentlemen, silence.
Now, Mr. Evil...
Dr. Evil.
I didn't spend six years
in evil medical school
to be called "Mister",
thank you very much.
It is the policy
of the United Nations...
not to negotiate
with terrorists.
Really?
So long.
Gentlemen, in exactly five days,
we will be $100 billion richer.
Hello? Mommy?
Hello, Vanessa.
And? How's Austin?
He's asleep.
You didn't.
Oh, God! No! No, I made
him sleep on the sofa.
Vanessa, I'm proud of you.
Why?
Because you've managed to
resist Austin Powers' charms!
What? God knows he tried, mommy.
I actually had to be
rather firm with him.
You didn't tell me he
is so obsessed with sex!
It's really bizarre.
You can't judge him
by modern standards.
What about his teeth?
Darling, you have to understand,
in Britain in the sixties...
you could be a sex symbol
and still have bad teeth.
It didn't matter.
I don't get that, mommy.
Once Austin has you in his charms,
it's impossible to get out.
Did you ever?
Me? No, of course not.
I was married to your father.
You didn't ever want to, did you?
Austin is very charming very debonair.
He's handsome, witty...
has a knowledge of fine wines.
He's sophisticated.
A world renown photographer.
Women want him,
and men want to be him.
Every bit an
international man of mystery.
Yeah, but you didn't
answer my question, mummy.
I know.
Let me just say this...
Austin was the most
loyal and caring friend I ever had.
I will always love him.
Uh! Ah.
Do you want to speak to him?
No. It's been too long.
Okay, well, now, I'm going to
have to go, mummy, but I love you.
Ciao, darling.
A limo's just pulled up.
Let me see.
- That's Dr. Evil's cat.
- How can you tell?
I never forget a puss*...
cat.
Oh, no. He's gone away.
My God, Vanessa,
you are so incredibly beautiful.
- Oh, no.
- That's it. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Come on, darling...
I want take you out
for a night on the town.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Burt Bacharach.
Oh, yeah.
- Oh god, Austin, get on with it.
- I'm going to do it.
- Do you want me to do it?
- Ah! Oh, go on!
- Do you want me to do it?
- Yes!
Okay. Right hand green!
Oh no. No!
You all right?
You all right?
Oh, you know what?
Wait a tick.
I forgot something in the lobby.
Why don't I take the stairs?
Why take the stairs
when I could take the escalator?
Why take the escalator when
I've got a perfectly good canoe?
I know what...
I'll take the elevator.
Austin?
Yes?
Come and have some champagne with me.
Okay.
Oh, I tripped.
You know, I haven't had
this much fun since college.
Well, I'm sorry.
Why?
I'm sorry that bug up your ass
had to die.
Always wanting to have fun, Austin,
that's you in a nutshell.
No, this is me in a nutshell.
Help! I'm in a nutshell!
How did I get
into this nutshell?
Look at the size of
this bloody great big nutshell.
What sort of shell
has a nut like this?
I mean, this is crazy.
Yes, look at you.
- You're smashed.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
- No, I'm not. I'm the sensible one.
I'm always the
designated driver.
- Kiss me.
- I can't, darling.
- Why not?
- 'Cause you're drunk. It's not right.
No, I'm not drunk.
I'm just beginning to see what my mummy
was talking about all those years ago.
I can't.
Tell me all about my
mummy in the sixties.
I'm dying to know
what she was like.
She was very groovy.
Your dad loved her very much.
If there was one other cat
in this world...
that could have loved her and treated
her as well as your dad...
then it was me.
But unfortunately
for yours truly...
that train has sailed.
Vanessa?
Vanessa? Hello?
Come on, roll over. Sleepytime.
Okay, Austin needs his hand back.
You've got mail.
Hello, Austin. This is Basil
Exposition from British Intelligence.
Now, I want you to find out
what part Virtucon plays...
in something called
Project Vulcan.
I need you to go to Alotta
fa*gina's penthouse immediately.
Hello, hello.
Yes, yes. Okay. Great!
Project Vulcan.
Yeah. Okay. Cheeky, huh? Yeah.
Come on, baby, give it to me.
Yes. Yes. Yes!
No! No!
You seem surprised to see me,
Miss fa*gina.
What do you want Mister...
Cunningham, was it?
Please, call me Richie.
Miss fa*gina, your boss,
Number Two...
I understand that cat's
involved in big underground drills.
How did you know?
I didn't, baby.
You just told me.
It's for the mining
industry Mr. Cunningham.
You know, er... we can
talk about business later.
Let me slip into
something more comfortable.
Oh, behave.
Good God.
Come in...
and I'll show you
everything you need to know.
May I wash you?
Oh, groovy, baby. Yeah.
Mmh, yes.
That feels yummy.
In Japan, men come first,
and women come second.
Or sometimes not at all.
Care for some saké?
Saké it to me, baby.
Yes.
Klinky?
Klinky.
How do you feel, Mr. Cunningham?
I feel extreme relaxation.
How dare you
break wind before me?
I'm sorry, baby.
I didn't know it was your turn.
Pardon me for being
rude. It was not me.
It was my food.
It just popped up
to say hello and now it's gone
back down below.
That's beautiful.
Thank you.
What exactly do
you do at Virtucon?
I will tell you all in due time.
But first...
Let's make love
you silly hairy little man.
I say! Hello, vicar.
Ooh, that is the spot, all right.
That's the spot right there.
Look at that, now. Good God.
Austin Powers
is getting too close.
Any suggestions?
Jawohl! Herr doctor!
I have created the ultimate
weapon to defeat Austin Powers.
Bring in the fembots!
Go, fembots!
These are the latest word
in android replicant technology.
Lethal, efficient, brutal.
No man can resist their charm.
Send in the guards!
Kill these women.
Quite impressive.
Thank you, herr doctor.
I like to see girls of that...
caliber.
By caliber, of course I mean...
both the size of
their gun barrels...
and the high quality of their
character. It's two meanings.
Caliber...
It's a hom*onym.
Forget it.
At ease, boys.
Austin, I want to
show you something.
We're going to
outfit you with this.
It looks like a
watch, but, in fact
it's a geosynchronous
positioning device.
Very shagadelic.
And then there's this.
Okay, let me guess.
The floss is garrote wire...
the toothpaste
is plastic explosives...
and the toothbrush
is the detonation device.
No, actually.
Well, since you've been frozen
there have been fabulous
advances in the field of dentistry.
What do you mean?
Nothing.
Oh, look, here's Basil.
Hello, Exposition.
Austin. Let me
bring you up to speed.
Dr. Evil has hijacked a
nuclear warhead from Kreplachistan.
Only two things scare me,
and one is nuclear war.
What's the other?
Excuse me?
What's the other thing
that scares you?
Carnies.
What?
Circus folk.
Nomads, you know.
Smell like cabbage.
Small hands.
Oh, er... indeed.
Perhaps these photographs are
the last piece of the puzzle.
I've uncovered the details
of Project Vulcan.
Oh, good God.
An underground missile?
Austin, where did you find these?
Austin did some
reconnaissance work
last night at Alotta
fa*gina's penthouse.
Our next move is to
infiltrate Virtucon.
Any ideas?
Oh, yes. Virtucon runs a tour
of its facility every hour.
I thought, perhaps, we could
disguise ourselves as tourists
and do some
on-site reconnaissance.
Top drawer, Kensington.
Oh, er... Austin, I'd
like you to meet somebody.
This is my mother...
Mrs. Exposition.
How do you do?
Austin!
My God, man, what have you done?
That's not your mother.
It's a man, baby!
Yeah, yeah. Come on!
Why won't this wig come off?
Help!
- Austin!
- Yeah, hold on, hold on one second.
No, no! Let go of my mother!
Oh. Oh, mother. Mother,
are you all right?
- Austin, have you gone mad?
- No.
You have a lot
of explaining to do.
I'm sorry, Basil.
I thought she was a man.
Damn it, man. You're
talking about my mother!
Well, you have to admit,
she is rather mannish.
Austin!
Well, no offense, but...
if that is a woman it does look like
she was beaten with an ugly stick.
- What?
- Really, Austin.
Okay. Give in to the beauty of
your feelings and say the words.
Come on.
I love you, Dad.
I love you, too, son.
Okay. Group, we have some
newcomers here today with us.
Say hello to Scott
and his father Mister...
Avil?
Evil.
Actually...
Doctor Evil.
Hello, Dr. Evil.
Hello, Scott.
Hello, everybody.
So, Scott, why don't
we start with you?
What brings you here
with us today?
Well, I just really met my dad
for the first time 5 days ago.
I was partially
frozen his whole life.
That is beautiful that
you can admit to that.
He comes back and... and now he wants
me to take over the family business.
But, Scott, who's gonna
take over the world when I die?
Listen to the words he used:
"Who's going to take over
the world when I die?"
It feels like that to some
of us sometimes, doesn't it?
Yes. Yes.
So, what do you want to do, Scott?
I don't know. I was
thinking I like animals.
Maybe I'd be a vet.
An evil vet?
No.
Maybe like work in a petting zoo.
An evil petting zoo?
You always do that!
What? What? I...
I just think like he hates me.
I really think
he wants to kill me.
Now, Scott
we don't want to
kill each other in here.
We might say that we
do sometimes but we really don't.
Actually, the
boy's quite astute.
I really am trying to kill him,
but, so far, unsuccessfully.
He's quite wily,
like his old man.
This is what I'm talking about.
Okay. Well. We've
heard from you, Scott.
Now er... you tell us
a little about yourself.
The details of my life
are quite inconsequential.
Oh, no. Please, please.
Let... Let's hear about your childhood.
Yeah. Come on. Come on.
Very well. Where do I begin?
My father was a
relentlessly self-improving
boulangerie owner
from Belgium...
with low-grade narcolepsy
and a penchant for buggery.
My mother was a 15-year-old
French prostitute
named Chloe with webbed feet.
My father would womanize,
he would drink.
He would make outrageous claims
like he invented the question mark.
Sometimes he would accuse
chestnuts of being lazy...
the sort of general malaise
that only the genius possess
and the insane lament.
My childhood was typical...
summers in Rangoon,
luge lessons.
In the spring, we'd
make meat helmets.
When I was insolent I was placed in
a burlap bag and beaten with reeds.
Pretty standard, really.
At the age of 12,
I received my first scribe.
At the age of 14,
a Zoroastrian named Vilma...
ritualistically
shaved my testicl*s.
There really is nothing
like a shorn scrotum.
It's breathtaking.
I suggest you try it.
You know, we have to stop.
Austin, can I
have a word with you?
Of course you may, luv.
Look, I know I'm being neurotic, but...
I can't shake off this suspicious
feeling about that Italian secretary.
You know, Miss fa*gina.
And I don't want
to sound paranoid but...
I've had some bad
relationships in the past and...
I have been known
to be jealous.
I'm sorry.
No, don't be sorry, baby.
You're right to be suspicious.
I shagged her.
What?
I shagged her rotten,
baby! Yeah!
I don't believe you, Austin.
She was repellent.
Saucer of milk, table two.
But did you use protection?
'Course. I had
my nine-millimeter automatic.
You know I meant
did you use a condom?
No. Only sailors
use condoms, baby.
Not in the nineties, Austin.
Well, they should,
those filthy beggars.
They go from port to port.
What? Vanessa,
don't have a thrombo.
Alotta meant nothing to me.
Well, it means something to me.
Austin, if you want us
to have a relationship...
you have to get it into your
head that times have changed.
You can't just go off
shagging anybody anymore.
And if you could, I wouldn't,
because I'm not like that.
Vanessa!
You're everything to me.
You just don't get it, do you?
Good night, Austin.
Welcome to the nineties.
You're gonna be very lonely.
Hey! Hey. Check this guy out.
Peace. Peace.
Jimi Hendrix... deceased.
Drugs.
Janis Joplin.
Deceased.
Alcohol.
Mama Cass.
Deceased.
Ham sandwich.
Alright. That's great.
Is the lighting halfway decent?
Yes, indeed.
They got the flag up now.
You can see
the stars and stripes.
Beautiful. Just beautiful.
Zugabe!
Zugabe!
Good morning, Austin.
You know, I sometimes forget
you've missed out on the last 30 years.
Fall of the Berlin Wall...
the first female
British Prime Minister...
end of apartheid.
Yeah, and I can't believe
Liberace was gay.
I mean, women loved him.
I didn't see that one coming. No.
The tour is about to begin...
so if you'll please
take your seats...
Welcome to Virtucon,
company of the future.
Virtucon is a
leading manufacturer
of many items you can find
right in your very own home.
Do you think
she's prettier than me?
Who?
You know who.
Oh, the Italian bird.
No, baby. She's rancid.
I think you're shagadelic, baby.
You're switched on. You're smashing.
We make steel, petroleum
products and volatile chemicals.
But don't worry
about the Italian bird, okay?
She's the village bicycle.
Everyone's had a ride.
...you're using a
Virtucon product.
On your right, you'll notice
a door leading to a restricted area.
Only authorized
personnel are allowed...
I'll take him.
You take her.
Let's go.
Ah, er... look, it's a guard.
What are we going to do? We don't
look anything like our photo-badges.
Don't worry, baby.
I learned a mind-control
technique during my travels to India.
I learned it from my Guru.
The late Guru Shastry.
A chased man who died mysteriously
with disease that had
all the hall marks of syphilis.
Alright. Watch me.
Hi, folks.
You're entering a restricted zone.
I'm gonna have to see
some identification, please.
Sure!
There seems to be
some sort of a problem.
Everything seems to be in order.
Everything seems to be in order.
It's fantastic, Austin.
Come on, let's go.
I'm going to go across the street
and get you some orange sherbet.
I'm going to go across the street
and get you some orange sherbet.
Austin, let's go.
Here, have a piece of gum.
Here, have a piece of gum.
Do you mind if I do?
Austin, let's go now.
It's Bolton.
We've got a problem.
Intruders in the complex.
Intruders in the complex.
Watch out.
- Halt.
- This way.
Judo chop!
They're coming!
Hang on. I'm going to floor it.
Watch out. Move!
Move! Move!
Careful, Austin.
No!
Watch out!
No!
Watch out!
No!
Hello?
Yes. This is Mrs. Harvin.
Yes.
My husband is a henchman
in Dr. Evil's private army.
What?
Oh my God!
Thanks for calling.
Hi, Mom.
Sit down, Billy.
I've got some bad news.
Your stepfather was run
over by a steamroller.
But Mom, since Dad left,
Steve's been like a father to me.
Honey.
People never think how things
effect the family of a henchman.
Oh, thank goodness
we made it, Austin.
- Alright, stay very cool, baby.
- Okay.
Mr. Powers.
Welcome to my underground lair.
You're just in time.
Enjoy the show.
Gentlemen,
I give you the Vulcan...
the world's most powerful
subterranean drill.
Does that make you horny?
Not now, Austin.
So powerful, it can penetrate
the earth's crust...
delivering a 50-kiloton
nuclear warhead
deep into the liquid
hot core of the planet.
Upon detonation, every volcano
on earth will erupt.
It seems we have no choice
but to pay your ransom.
You have my instructions.
Bye-bye.
Check it out, Butt-head.
This chick has three boobs.
How many butts does she have?
Do you like your
quasi-futuristic clothes, Mr. Powers?
I designed them myself.
Scott!
Scott, my boy, how are you?
How was your day?
Well, my friend Sweet Jay took me
in that video arcade in town, right?
And they don't speak English there,
so Jay got into a fight and he's all:
"Hey, quit hassling me 'cause
I don't speak French or whatever."
And then the guy says
something in Paris talk...
and I'm like: "Just back off".
And they're all: "Get out".
And we're like: "Make me".
It was cool.
Fascinating.
What are your plans
for this evening?
I thought I'd stay in.
There's a good titty
movie on Skinimax.
And that's how you'd like
to live your life, is it?
Yeah.
- Pretty much worth.
- What?
Yeah. Okay.
Scott...
I want you to meet Daddy's
nemesis Austin Powers.
Are you feeding him?
Why don't you just kill him?
No, Scott. I have an even better idea.
I'm going to place him in
an easily escapable situation...
involving an overly
elaborate and exotic death.
Why don't you
just shoot him now?
I mean, I'll go get a gun.
We'll shoot him together.
It'll be fun. Bang!
Dead. Done.
One more peep out of you and you are
grounded, mister and I am not joking.
All right. Let's begin.
Dr. Evil, do you really
expect them to pay?
No, Mr. Powers.
I expect them to die.
Even after they
pay me the money...
I'm still gonna melt
every city on the planet...
with liquid hot magma.
Release the sharks!
Mr. Powers, you'll notice
that all the sharks...
have laser beams
attached to their heads.
I figure every creature
deserves a warm meal.
Dr. Evil, it's about the sharks.
When you were frozen...
they were put on the
endangered species list.
We tried to get some but it would've
taken months to clear up the red tape.
You know, I have one simple request...
and that is to have
sharks with frickin'
laser beams attached
to their heads!
Now, evidently, my cycloptic colleague
informs me that that can't be done.
Can you remind me
what I pay you people for?
Honestly, throw me a bone here.
What do we have?
Sea bass.
Right.
They are mutated sea bass.
Really? Are they ill-tempered?
Absolutely.
That's a start.
You know. That's something.
All right, guard...
begin the unnecessarily
slow-moving dipping mechanism.
Close the tank!
Why? Are... Aren't you
even gonna watch them?
They could get away.
No, no, no. I'm going
to leave them alone...
and not actually
witness them dying.
I'm just gonna assume
it all went to plan. What?
I have a gun in my room.
You give me five
seconds, I'll get it.
I'll come back down here, boom!
I'll blow their brains out.
Scott...
You just don't get it, do you?
You don't.
It's no hassle.
But...
I'm...
All I'm say...
They're gonna get awa...
I...
I'm just...
We...
We sh...
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Look...
Let me tell you a little story
about a man named "shh"!
Even before you start,
that was a preemptive "shh"!
Just know I have a whole bag
of "shh" with your name on it.
What's your plan?
First, I plan to soil myself...
then I'm going to regroup
and come up with a new plan.
Any thoughts?
Wait a minute.
I always have this with me,
just in case.
Okay. I get it. I have bad teeth.
No, Austin. The floss is to
swing ourselves onto the ledge.
Oh. All right. Hold on.
Got it. Okay. Toothpaste. Hello?
Judo chop!
Hang on!
Judo trip.
No!
Not a good time
to lose one's head.
Indeed.
That's not the way
to get ahead in life.
No.
It's a shame he
wasn't more headstrong.
He'll never be the
head of a major corporation.
Okay. That'll do.
Okay.
Help me, guys!
Guys, come on.
Can you believe John Smith
is getting married tomorrow?
I can't.
Where's Smitty anyway?
It's... it's...
it's not like him
to be late for anything.
Especially's on stag party.
Well, you know he works
as a henchman for Dr. Evil.
Sometimes they work late.
You know, can I just say
something that may sound a little...
sappy?
I think it is such a tribute
to our buddy, John Smith,...
that so many of his friends
showed up to honour him today.
There's a lot of
love in this room.
Hear, hear!
Hi!
I have a phone call
for the John-Smith-party.
Oh. Yeah, I get it.
He's dead?
Decapitated by an
ill-tempered mutated sea bass?
Yes.
Okay.
What's wrong?
What happened? Was that
John? Is he coming late?
John Smith won't be coming.
Why not?
He was decapitated by an
ill-tempered mutated sea bass.
Oh my God!
Are you kidding me?
To Smitty!
To Smitty!
No! What are we gonna do?
Oh! Look. There's an
emergency exit. Go get help.
I'm gonna stay here
and keep an eye on Dr. Evil.
Okay. I'll hurry back.
Listen, Vanessa.
Whatever happens,
I want you to know that I feel
really bad about that Italian bird.
What I'm trying to say is...
that if you want me
to be a one-woman man...
well, that's just groovy, baby.
Behave.
Come, everyone.
Let us repair
to the main chamber.
Project Vulcan
is about to begin.
Scott? Don't you want to see
what Daddy does for a living?
- Blow me.
- Excuse me?
Show me.
Okay.
Position the Vulcan.
Bring in the warhead.
Hello, hello!
Hello, Mr. Powers!
Care to have a little fun?
No, actually I er...
I have to save the world.
Is it cold in here?
Arm the probe.
No! No! No! I've
got to get Dr. Evil!
I've got to get Dr. Evil!
No! No! No! Er...
Baseball, er... cold showers.
Baseball, cold showers.
Give it up, Mr. Powers.
Margaret Thatcher
naked on a cold day.
Margaret Thatcher
naked on a cold day.
Gentlemen.
Let's lock and load.
Right, lads. Alright! Move,
move, move! Let's go!
- Don't go.
- Stay with us.
Please don't go.
You can't resist us, Mr. Powers.
You can't resist us, Mr. Powers.
Au contraire, baby.
I think you can't resist me.
Austin?
Vanessa? Er...
It... it's not what it seems.
At ease, boys.
Likewise.
Vanessa, I can explain.
See, what happened was er...
I broke in trying to get to Dr. Evil.
Then all of a sudden,
the fembots came by...
and smoke started to come
out of their jumblies.
So I thought I'd work my mojo, right?
To counter their mojo.
We got cross-mojonations, and
their heads started exploding.
You know, that thing, and I ended
up in my knickers here and then...
Okay, Austin. I believe you.
Now get dressed.
Smashing, baby.
Onward, boys.
Launching the
subterranean probe.
Begin initial
surface penetration.
Subterranean nuclear detonation
in three minutes and counting.
Watch out!
Right Back!
Subterranean nuclear detonation
in three minutes and counting.
Oh, I tripped!
Open the frickin' door!
Probe destruction beginning in...
Judo! Judo!
Ten!
Nine!
Eight!
Seven!
Six!
Five!
Four!
Three!
Two!
One!
No!
Abort.
Abort.
Abort.
Abort.
Abort.
Abort.
Now to Dr. Evil.
Din-din.
I want chicken, I want liver.
Meow Mix, Meow Mix,
please deliver.
I've got you now, Dr. Evil.
Well done, Mr. Powers.
We're not so different,
you and I.
However, isn't it ironic,
the very things you stand for...
free love, swinging parties,
are all now in the nineties...
considered to be...
evil?
No, man, what we swingers
were rebelling against
is uptight squares like you
whose bag was money and world
domination. We were innocent, man.
If we'd known the consequences
of our sexual liberation...
we would have done
things differently
but the spirit would've
remained the same.
It's freedom, baby. Yeah.
Face it.
Freedom failed.
No, man, freedom didn't fail.
Right now, we've got
freedom and responsibility.
It's a very groovy time.
There's nothing more pathetic
than an aging hipster.
All right, baldy.
Shut your cakehole.
Come on. Let's go.
On your bike.
- No!
- Not so fast.
It seems the tables
have turned, Mr. Powers.
Go ahead, Austin.
Don't worry about me.
Hey, I can take
my Sega, right, Dad?
It seems the tables
have turned again, Dr. Evil.
Not really. Kill the little
bastard. See what I care.
But, Dad, we just had
a breakthrough in group.
I had the group liquidated, you
little sh*t. They were insolent.
I hate you! I hate you!
I wish I was never
artificially created in a lab.
Oh, Scott, that hurts Daddy
when you say that, honestly.
Ah. Number Two.
Your timing is impeccable.
Go ahead. Take Mr. Powers away.
No!
What?
Dr. Evil...
I've spent
30 years of my life...
turning this two-bit evil empire
into a world-class multinational.
I was going to have
a cover story in Forbes.
But, you, like an idiot,
wanted to take over the world...
and you don't realize
there is no world anymore.
It's only corporations.
- Silence, Number Two!
- No!
I've had enough of you
pushing me around.
Mr. Powers...
I have a business proposition
you might find very interesting.
Right. I've had enough.
Judo chop!
The complex will self-destruct.
Come on! Let's split! Let's go!
This place is going to blow!
We must go!
I bought you your orange shirbirt.
Thank you!
The complex will self-destruct.
Come on, let's go!
The complex will self-destruct.
This way, Austin.
Come on, baby! It's
gonna blow! Let's go.
Move it!
Allez-hop!
I love you, Mr. Powers.
And I love you, Mrs. Powers.
Oh, that'll be Basil Exposition.
Oh, ignore it, Austin.
Come back to bed.
Duty calls, baby.
Hello, Austin.
Oh, I er... I hope I'm not
interrupting your honeymoon.
No, not at all, Basil.
Did you get that
fruit basket I sent you?
Yes, we did, Basil,
but you sent too much.
I'm gonna have
to send some to my mother.
Oh, don't forget these.
- Oh, thanks.
- There you go.
Did you get my other gift?
We did.
Yes, Basil, nice rack.
But who in the world
gave us this drawing?
It's bizarre.
Well, as you know, Dr. Evil
has escaped in his rocket...
which has disappeared
from our tracking system.
Oh dear. Hold on. Coffee?
- Oh, yes, please.
- Okay. Thank you.
Oh, and, Vanessa, by the way,
you have been made a full agent.
Oh, that's fantastic, Basil! Thanks.
Milk?
Yes, please.
And, Austin, Her Majesty
the Queen informs me...
that you are to be knighted.
Very shagadelic!
Well, the best of luck
to both of you!
I can't believe that
you are married, Austin.
Oh, what a lovely pair.
Thanks, Basil.
I think I'm gonna like
living in the nineties.
- Bye-bye.
- Good-bye.
You know, Vanessa...
I'll never forget
the first time I saw you.
You were so
incredibly beautiful...
so incredibly sexy...
I knew I had to have you...
right then and there.
Did you feel the same way?
Actually, I couldn't stop
staring at your teeth.
Oh, I ordered some champagne.
Come in!
Oh, lovely, Austin.
Right over there's fine.
Thank you.
Let's go out on the terrace.
It's a beautiful night.
We can look at the stars.
Smashing idea, baby.
Yeah. Look at you.
Look out!
That really hurt!
I'm gonna have a
lump there, you idiot.
Who throws a shoe?
Honestly.
You fight like a woman.
Austin!
Honestly, it's not mine.
No! Use it.
Smashing!
Look how beautiful the night sky is.
Hey! Isn't that the Big Dipper?
Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus.
Austin!
Well, you know...
Hey, I've never seen
that big star before.
No, what is that?
Good God.
I'm gonna get you,
Austin Powers.
It's frickin' freezing
in here, Mr. Bigglesworth.
Darling, you look
fabulous. Okay, baby.
All right. There we go.
Look at that face.
Coming in. Come on.
There. Bit of hair.
Bit of hair.
Smashing.
Okay. It's coming around now.
Coming around, yes.
Yes, great!
Yes. Yes. Yes!
No! No! No!
No, it's not working!
Go change. There you go.
Can you change her?
Can you? Can you?
Is that okay? Is that all right?
Very good. Very good.
And right here. Looking right there.
I'm not even looking.
Oh, you're wicked!
You got your mojo working
overtime, darling. Yeah.
Look, I'm not even shooting it.
It's insane.
Smashing.
Come on. Can I get a smile?
Okay. Come on.
Come on, you boys.
Get together. Come on.
Okay. Good. Lovin' it.
Let's make a Vanessa sandwich.
The winged horn. The winged horn.
Come on, Austin.
Give it to me. Go. Go.
Oh, behave.
Okay. You're an animal!
An animal! Yes.
Yes! That's it. Ya!
Ya, ya, ya, ya.
Just the top of the hair.
That's all I want.
Born and shoot.
Again. Try it one more time.
And I'm born and shoot.
That's it. Yeah.
Let's go. Come on.
Come on. Come on.
Ignore this. Ignore this.
Ignore me doing this.
Fabulous, darling.
Go! Go! Go!
Lord! Lord!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Okay. Show me eye.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
No! No! No!
Never get up. I'm spent!
We'll take you, and
we'll go out on the town...
and swing, baby. Yeah!
